I Am A Master of Bartitsu And None Can Destroy Me
Victorian England gave us sexual repression, some overly long novels, and imperialism, but it also gave me the means to kick your ass if I gots my walking cane on me.
This is Bartitsu, the martial art invented by E.W. Barton-Wright in 1898 after spending years building railroads in Japan. He named it after himself because dammit, if you're gonna invent a martial art, you have got to name it after yourself. Like Shaq-Fu. Or The Many Fists of Tony Danza.
It utilized his walking stick. This can also be called a pimp cane.
The next section was stolen from the website Bartitsu.org
His favourite tactic was to employ the "guard by distance" in which the defender held the stick poised over his head, tip pointed straight towards the opponent's face, while the defender's left hand was raised to the front both as a shield and as a target. This was a position of invitation, tempting the unwary opponent into an attack to the defender's apparently exposed left hand; subtle variations included invitations to attack the head or the torso. As the opponent attacked, Vigny would swing his lead foot back, removing himself as a target and simultaneously delivering a crushing counter-attack with the heavy silver ball to the opponent's weapon-hand or head.
Psyche him out, then hit him with your pimp cane.
Just so you know, I stole a time machine from Stephen Hawking after I punched him out of his stupid chair, learned Bartitsu from Barton Wright himself, beat his ass with a sack full of doorknobs when he was sleeping, then left after I made a bet all my money on who would win the 1900 Presidential Election (McKinley) then went home with my money. When Stephen Hawking and his posse The Black Hole Boyz (all black gay astrophysicists) tried to rob me, I whipped out my big stick and broke their motherfucking knees with it. Then I bought my first walking stick, so I could practice Bartitsu.
Here's some pictures in case you can't read. I stole them from Bartitsu.org.
This is Bartitsu, the martial art invented by E.W. Barton-Wright in 1898 after spending years building railroads in Japan. He named it after himself because dammit, if you're gonna invent a martial art, you have got to name it after yourself. Like Shaq-Fu. Or The Many Fists of Tony Danza.
It utilized his walking stick. This can also be called a pimp cane.
The next section was stolen from the website Bartitsu.org
His favourite tactic was to employ the "guard by distance" in which the defender held the stick poised over his head, tip pointed straight towards the opponent's face, while the defender's left hand was raised to the front both as a shield and as a target. This was a position of invitation, tempting the unwary opponent into an attack to the defender's apparently exposed left hand; subtle variations included invitations to attack the head or the torso. As the opponent attacked, Vigny would swing his lead foot back, removing himself as a target and simultaneously delivering a crushing counter-attack with the heavy silver ball to the opponent's weapon-hand or head.
Psyche him out, then hit him with your pimp cane.
Just so you know, I stole a time machine from Stephen Hawking after I punched him out of his stupid chair, learned Bartitsu from Barton Wright himself, beat his ass with a sack full of doorknobs when he was sleeping, then left after I made a bet all my money on who would win the 1900 Presidential Election (McKinley) then went home with my money. When Stephen Hawking and his posse The Black Hole Boyz (all black gay astrophysicists) tried to rob me, I whipped out my big stick and broke their motherfucking knees with it. Then I bought my first walking stick, so I could practice Bartitsu.
Here's some pictures in case you can't read. I stole them from Bartitsu.org.
posted by Marshall McMahon at 1:18 AM
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