Yngwie Malmsteen Is Cool

This post is all about Yngwie Malmsteen (Ingvay Mahlmsteen), third fastest guitar shredder in the world. He's cool, because he follows the Johnny and the Hurricanes factor for me. See previous post for that.

He's also cool because he has lived the life of a rock-star, truly and utterly.

First off, he's vaguely European, which makes him cool. Sweden, specifically. Rock stars can't have names like Smith or Jones. They've got to be Van Halen or Jagger or something like that.

Born Lars Johann Yngve Lannerback, he became obsessed with guitar after seeing a special on the death of Jimi Hendrix.

He plays neo-classical heavy metal. Basically, imagine someone doing Bach's Canon with an electric guitar, and you've got it.

Oh, and his album cover. Oh God, the album cover.

This is the kind of album cover you'll see him doing:












Yeah, that's right, he's fighting off a three-headed dragon with a guitar! Yeah! Rock on! That design coming soon to a poorly done t-shirt/van near you.

He's a welcome change. He's a long-haired guy who plays a mean guitar and does a lot of drugs. He's a rock star. He's not pouty, he's not emo, he doesn't have short hair, and he's not good-looking. He's not the rock star we're seeing now a days. Seriously, if you haven't done coke, you're not a rock star. You're a wuss rock star.

Now, I'm acceptable towards wuss rock. Wuss rock, for me, is the stuff that you shouldn't go to a concert too, but listen at home, and maybe rock out too. It's a private thing, because it's lame.

But dammit, there's too many wussy rockers out there! We need loud, crazy guys who rock out, say "Fuck you" to the press, and all that shit. We don't need guys advocating PETA, like I saw this one rocker in some magazine.

Yngwie is a rocker, and we desperately need one now. When Kurt left us, it left a big hole in rock that it's been struggling to fill with wussy half-man boyfriends, afraid of getting hurt again, afraid of losing someone in a shotgun blast. So we listen to wusses in pink polo shirts.

But will Yngwie fill the void? No. His day is past.

Yngwie is Spinal Tap, done in real life. After hitting it big in the 80s, he failed after his album "Rising Force," then went on to tour in Japan/Europe.

It's like Spinal Tap said in that episode of the Simpsons, "No one's benefitted from the fall of Communism more than us."

Then, while on a Japanese flight, somebody spilled water on him. His reaction.

Oh, and he shredded so much, and so hard, that he started to suffer serious finger injuries. You can take your, "Oh, I've suffered for art" and shove it up your ass after hearing that. You can't get any more real than that.

So, yeah, he's stupid as hell. But he's entertaining. And really, we should be thankful for that. Because rock is fun, stupid, and sometimes nerdy. And Malmsteen is sweetly stupid, as rock should be.

He's got a kid named Antonio and a black Ferrari.

By the way, not related at all to Yngwie, but I thought it was cool:




















I want that guitar.
Jag vilja så pass gitarr.