I Was Hungry For A Calzone When Irony Stabbed Me 46 Times
Okay, on Fridays, I go out for food. But I have homework to do, so I wanted to hold it off. No food for me until homework done.
However, my brain made a smell hallucination. I thought I started to smell someone cooking calzones. Now, I'm not a big calzone man. I've eaten them once or twice. But I needed them now. I thought about going to this Pizza Palace place, that's literally in the same building as mine. But I decided against it; it was a sit-down restaurant, and I didn't want to be a loser. So I thought I'd try this fast food place that I thought served calzones, two doors down.
But they didn't serve calzones, so I kept walking. Which kinda confused me, because I thought, "Why the fuck don't you stop? You're fucking hungry! Give up on the calzone! Fuck the calzone!" So then I decided to go the mall. But then my brain said, "Oh, c'mon, the mall doesn't have a place that serves calzones!" So then I thought, "Well, fuck it, I'll go there anyway. Maybe they'll have a place that does anyway that's fast food. So I won't look like a loser."
So I went there. On the elevator, I had another smell hallucination, one about pancakes. But I decided to go there, not thinking that they'd have to, and that I should go and eat Edo. Hallelujah praise Jesus they had a Ms. Vanellis! And holy shit, they served calzones! Sure, the picture made them seem pretty shitty, but what the fuck, I needed a calzone.
I asked for a calzone. They said they were out. So I, slurring my words a bit out of hunger. "Wait, are you telling me that I might have to wait to get a calzone, or that you're all out of the calzones?"
"We're all out of calzones."
So now I'm boycotting Ms. Vanellis. I got some Edo. Right behind me was this really cute blonde girl - not regular blonde, but nearly-white blondes. I like that look. I thought I saw some person behind her, which may or may not have been her friend. I didn't really get a good look. I wanted some food.
She was sitting alone, and my predatory instincts kicked in. Need pussy, need pussy has become a kind of mental refrain for me of late. But then I remembered what could've been her friend. So I stayed there, shooting quick glances like I was a postal worker with an AK-47 and a grudge.
But then her boyfriend sat down. The rest of the night, I noticed the rest of the happy couples. There was another couple, with her legs on top of his lap under the table. Happy couples were shopping in the mall as I left. Another punk couple snuck in a kiss in a back alley on the way out.
All these signs of sex I wasn't getting made me homicidally miserable, muttering myself in the cold, cold night, wearing no gloves, toque, or scarf. I wanted a baseball bat right then and there. Fear the day once I go into Foot Locker.
Porn as methadone for me just doesn't cut it.
That is all.
However, my brain made a smell hallucination. I thought I started to smell someone cooking calzones. Now, I'm not a big calzone man. I've eaten them once or twice. But I needed them now. I thought about going to this Pizza Palace place, that's literally in the same building as mine. But I decided against it; it was a sit-down restaurant, and I didn't want to be a loser. So I thought I'd try this fast food place that I thought served calzones, two doors down.
But they didn't serve calzones, so I kept walking. Which kinda confused me, because I thought, "Why the fuck don't you stop? You're fucking hungry! Give up on the calzone! Fuck the calzone!" So then I decided to go the mall. But then my brain said, "Oh, c'mon, the mall doesn't have a place that serves calzones!" So then I thought, "Well, fuck it, I'll go there anyway. Maybe they'll have a place that does anyway that's fast food. So I won't look like a loser."
So I went there. On the elevator, I had another smell hallucination, one about pancakes. But I decided to go there, not thinking that they'd have to, and that I should go and eat Edo. Hallelujah praise Jesus they had a Ms. Vanellis! And holy shit, they served calzones! Sure, the picture made them seem pretty shitty, but what the fuck, I needed a calzone.
I asked for a calzone. They said they were out. So I, slurring my words a bit out of hunger. "Wait, are you telling me that I might have to wait to get a calzone, or that you're all out of the calzones?"
"We're all out of calzones."
So now I'm boycotting Ms. Vanellis. I got some Edo. Right behind me was this really cute blonde girl - not regular blonde, but nearly-white blondes. I like that look. I thought I saw some person behind her, which may or may not have been her friend. I didn't really get a good look. I wanted some food.
She was sitting alone, and my predatory instincts kicked in. Need pussy, need pussy has become a kind of mental refrain for me of late. But then I remembered what could've been her friend. So I stayed there, shooting quick glances like I was a postal worker with an AK-47 and a grudge.
But then her boyfriend sat down. The rest of the night, I noticed the rest of the happy couples. There was another couple, with her legs on top of his lap under the table. Happy couples were shopping in the mall as I left. Another punk couple snuck in a kiss in a back alley on the way out.
All these signs of sex I wasn't getting made me homicidally miserable, muttering myself in the cold, cold night, wearing no gloves, toque, or scarf. I wanted a baseball bat right then and there. Fear the day once I go into Foot Locker.
Porn as methadone for me just doesn't cut it.
That is all.
posted by Marshall McMahon at 8:34 PM
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